Anti-Bullying Week is observed annually in South Africa from 11 – 15 November and aims to raise awareness around the risk of bullying. Global research reports high levels of bullying particularly among high school learners, with research showing that more than 3.2 million learners are bullied yearly in South Africa. Furthermore, one in ten learners drop out of school to avoid being bullied.
What is Bullying
Bullying is aggressive overt as well as aggressive subtle behaviour that involves an imbalance of power, where one individual or group intentionally harms, intimidates, or exerts control over another person who is perceived as vulnerable. This behaviour is typically repetitive, occurring over time, and can be physical, verbal, social, or cyber in nature. Bullying can also be subtle and take the form of shaming, isolating and shunning.
The impact of bullying is profound and can have long-lasting negative effects on children, impacting their mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. Both children who are bullied and those who engage in bullying can suffer consequences, which underscores the importance of addressing bullying behaviour.
According to Jonathan Hoffenberg, Programmes Manager at The Parent Centre, one of the most effective ways to address this behaviour is to understand where it’s coming from.
“As ego-driven and social creatures, all children grow up with a sense of power, both their own and the power that is exerted on them. The desire to bully or act aggressively in children can stem from both evolutionary and environmental factors. While aggression isn’t inherently “bad” – it’s a natural response that evolved as a survival mechanism. Certain conditions can amplify it, which can then lead to bullying behaviour. Understanding these conditions can help parents and caregivers to practice the necessary interventions,” says Hoffenberg.
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE’s)
Furthermore, he emphasises that the concept called Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) is becoming a popular component in family strengthening programmes, as it explores the knock-on impact that these negative experiences have and how in many instances, can be a contributing factor to raising a child who engages in bullying behaviour.
“Adverse Childhood Experiences are traumatic events that happen between ages 1 and 17. Caregivers may have been badly impacted by violence in their past and are unaware of this damage, and how it transpires in their own parenting style, often perpetuating the same negative patterns of parenting that they were exposed to. What we have observed from the community members who have gone through our Rethinking Violence in Parenting (RVIP) programme, is that South Africans mostly practice an authoritarian family style with an emphasis on punitive discipline. We have also found that there is a low level of self-reflection in how we parent. “
The Parent Centre is a not-for-profit organisation based in Cape Town that offers counselling and training services to teach parents and caregivers how to parent positively, unlearn unhealthy and negative parenting habits of the past and relearn how to build a relationship with their children.
Children bully for many reasons
Below, Hoffenberg shares some of the reasons a child may be engaging in bullying behaviour:
- They may feel insecure and have a poor self-image. There is a philosophy that states that asserting power over others is a means of personal power (might is right). Picking on someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker may provide a feeling of being more important, popular, or in control.
- Children bully to lash out. It is rare that children innately are defiant or aggressive, but some children have a temperament more prone to this and may need to learn empathy. Often children bully and lash out as a coping mechanism or plea for help because they themselves are under stress. In some cases, children may need help learning to manage anger, hurt, frustration, or other strong emotions.
- Some children bully based on what they see at home. Children often learn more from what they see than what they may be told. A child who grows up in a house with harsh punitive discipline or parenting styles that shame often learn to model similar behaviour with others.
What can you do?
Let your child know that bullying is wrong
- Try to understand the feelings behind the bullying and try unpacking the reasons. Remember that children may bully because they have trouble managing strong emotions like anger, frustration, or insecurity. In other cases, kids haven’t learned cooperative ways to work out conflicts and understand differences.
Take the bullying seriously
- Explain why it is not okay and discuss how the child can make amends. Explore how the child can deal with conflict, anger, and the strong emotions. Boys and girls often bully in different ways with girls using more subtle techniques compared to boys who are typically more direct and physical.
Understand the context
- Children don’t start to bully or lash out without a context, history, or underlying factors. Your child may be accused of bullying a child and hitting them after a period of quiet taunting by the “victim.”
Teach and model empathy
- Teach and model that it is wrong to make fun of those different from us. Teach and model empathy.
Encourage good behaviour
- Positive reinforcement can be more powerful than negative discipline. Catch your kids being good. When they handle situations in positive ways, take notice and praise them for it.
Look at your home dynamics
- It is natural and normal for children and their siblings to fight but keep monitoring the behaviour. A healthy family uses humour and even teases each other but there are limits and hurt feelings should be acknowledged if things go too far.
Observe your own behaviour
- Think about how you talk around your kids, and how you handle conflict. Consider any possible adverse childhood experiences you may have had and if and how it’s impacting the way you parent your child.
Bullying is serious and can have a knock-on effect on mental health and even lead to self-harm.
For help or support please reach out to counselling@theparentcentre.org.za
