Building children’s self-esteem is the foundation for a happy well-rounded adult.
But how can more parents get this right?
The State of the World’s Children 2021 report drew this conclusion…
Around the world, mental disorders are a significant and often ignored cause of suffering that interfere with children’s and young people’s health and education and their ability to reach their full potential. It is estimated that more than 13 percent of adolescents aged 10–19 live with a diagnosed mental disorder as defined by the World Health Organization. This represents 80 million adolescents aged 10–14 and 86 million adolescents aged 15–19.
It states further:
Mental health underlies the human capacity to think, feel, learn, work, build meaningful relationships and contribute to communities and the world.
Parenting is foundational to children’s mental health. However, for many caregivers, fulfilling this critical role requires support from parenting programmes, which can include information, guidance, and financial and psychosocial support.
Our children’s self-esteem is vitally important to their growth
With mental health challenges on the rise in children and parents’ role being vital in preventing it, tackling this from as many angles as possible is important.
Research shows that there is a clear connection between higher self-esteem and positive outcomes in youth and adulthood, such as professional success, better social relationships, a sense of wellbeing, positive perceptions by peers, academic achievement and good coping skills.
Low self-esteem is causally linked to depression, substance abuse, antisocial behaviour, and suicide.
Often ones does not see the connection between self-esteem, mental health and parenting.
Self-esteem is a term used to describe the way we feel and think about ourselves. Self-esteem develops from the feedback we get from significant others such as parents, friends, teachers, etc. Our experiences in life, and what these mean to us, also influence how we feel about ourselves.
The building of self-esteem in our children is one of the primary goals of parenting.
Our relationship with our children is their most important relationship. When they grow up feeling appreciated and accepted by those close to them, they are more likely to feel good about themselves and their abilities.
Children with a healthy self-esteem are better able to tolerate criticism/opinions that differ from theirs, they tend to manage stress better and are able to withstand peer pressure.
They are free to explore, be creative, ask for help and guidance and make more positive and constructive decisions about their lives.
How can more parents get this right: What to do and what to avoid doing as parents
When talking about self-esteem an apt metaphor to use to understand how to build children’s self-esteem, is that of a mirror.
A mirror reflects what is shown. Thus, the best way to influence the self-esteem of our children is if we have a good self-esteem ourselves. When we feel good and take care of ourselves emotionally, we will have enough emotional reserves to spare for our children.
It negatively affects our relationship with our children when we are impatient, shout, hit and put them down because we are running low or are on empty. When we feel worthy, it is easier to help our children feel the same.
One of the secrets of parenting is accepting our children for who they are.
In our Positive Parenting Skills Training we use the plant analogy to bring this point across. Different plants require different things to thrive, some need a lot of water, sunshine etc and some do not even need soil like the air plant.
Our children have unique developmental stages, temperaments, backgrounds, and life experiences which shape their behaviour. Rather than trying to control who they are, we need to accept and embrace their individuality, uniqueness, and distinctiveness.
When we do this, we will love them unconditionally. This teaches them self-love.
Do’s and don’ts to building children’s self-esteem
Do’s in building children’s self-esteem.
- Spend quality time with your children together and individually. Here the amount of time is not important, but the extent of which you give of yourself. Quality time does not have to cost money, it is all about connecting with your child through their interests.
- Take time to stop and listen to your children. They know when we are not attentive. A little listening goes a long way.
- Accept when your children make mistakes as a necessary part of learning.
- Encourage children to do things on their own and teach them problem solving.
- Accept and respect their feelings.
- Praise descriptively by focusing on the positive, effort, improvement, attitude, and progress.
- Create situations that help your child experience success, not failure. Set clear and appropriate expectations, offer reasonable amounts of help, provide adequate incentives and remove obstacles.
- Give your child a feeling of reasonable control over their lives.
- Reinforce that your child is lovable and capable.
- Let children help and give. Self-esteem grows when children get to see that what they do matters to others. They can help at home, do a service, project at school or do a favour for a sibling.
What to avoid as parent:
Do not blame, use sarcasm, threaten, punish, label negatively or put them down. These need to be replaced by healthy alternatives.
The bottom line is that our homes, more particularly our relationships with our children, and the way we parent, are the soil that grows or hinders the growth of self-esteem.
What we invest in the parenting relationship particularly the building of our children’s self-esteem will go a long way in building a well-rounded adult.
Accept your children for who they are
One of the secrets of parenting is accepting our children for who they are.
They have unique developmental stages, temperaments, backgrounds, and life experiences which shape their behaviour.
Rather than trying to control who they are, we need to accept and embrace their individuality, uniqueness, and distinctiveness. When we do this, we will love them unconditionally.
There will not be conditions attached to why or how we love them.
This will teach our children self-love.
Self-love leads to knowing one has worth and that means having a healthy self-esteem. It is easier for a child to reach their potential when they have a healthy self-esteem.
